Jealousy is such a toxic thing. I hate to admit that the green eyed monster has been welling up inside me lately and it took me a while to recognize it.
Every time I turn around a new bill or expense is coming in the door. We received a $500 bill from the Port Aransas ER. Thank you for charging us $500 just to tell us our toddler is constipated (which we already knew) and then telling us you can't do anything about it. I need new tires. Garrett needs new brakes. Garrison had a pretty costly birthday party this year. Garrett's birthday is next week. Registration is due on one of our cars. I swear it feels like we just paid that! Bills, bills, bills.
And in the midst of all of this I found myself wishing for different circumstances. If we just had more money everything would be okay. I thought about reaching out to my ex employer to go back full time. Now that is desperation. (Read this post.) I started thinking about how we would have plenty of extra money, be able to fix up our house, get out of debt, go on more vacations, get a bigger car. Of course I wasn't thinking about all the disadvantages of working full time. I wasn't thinking about not being stressed out every night and taking it out on my family. I wasn't thinking about working for wack jobs. I wasn't thinking about missing Garrison's week night baseball games because of having to work late. I wasn't thinking that I would only have an hour at the most with Ethan each night before bed time. I wasn't thinking about being able to help Garrison with his homework and give him the attention he needs. I wasn't thinking about any of these things. Selfishness and jealousy got the best of me.
My sister shared this on Facebook the other day and it came at such a perfect time.
My husband has been my rock through this transition. I never thought he would be supportive of me working less hours, hence bringing in less money. He constantly reminds me how much he loves me being home more with him and the boys. I'm sure part of what he loves (but never says) is that I'm not a total B from being stressed out all the time. He tells me it's all going to be okay and we are so blessed with what we have. He encourages me and lifts my spirits when I forget how blessed we are.
Today I woke up with a grateful heart and a positive outlook. God has never failed us so why am I worried? There may be a time where God calls me back to work full time but I know now is not that time. And I know that He is giving me little reminders each day of where my priorities should be. I need to focus more on Him... and these awesome guys who make me smile every single day.
"Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus."
~1 Thessalonians 5:18