Today my husband and I have been married 20 years! It still sounds insane to say that. How am I even old enough to be celebrating a 20th anniversary?! Well, clearly I am. We are so blessed to be in Belize celebrating this milestone! My husband is sleeping in and I was sitting on the sun porch of our beautiful room listening to the wind and reflecting on the last 20 years when I felt the urge to create a post on this special day.
We have lived in 3 states, 5 cities, raised 2 boys and 4 pups. We have SO many good memories to look back on. We also have a lot of hard times to reflect on. I do not claim to have all the answers on a successful marriage. I do not claim to have more wisdom than someone who is in their first decade of marriage. I just know that I have learned some things along the way and would love to share those. I am someone who loves to glean any bits of wisdom I can from others who have "been there, done that".
So, here we go...20 things I've learned in 20 years:
- Be best friends. You will have to live with this person without the distraction of kids, sports and busy schedules one day. You should probably like that person. Have fun together! LAUGH, be goofy, poke fun at each other.
- COMMUNICATE. This keeps you connected. Give yourselves at least 10 minutes of uninterrupted time a day to catch up and connect. Even if that means connecting about the kids and work. You don't have to have deep, philosophical conversations to connect. If you are in a busy, chaotic stage of life talk about your days - your highs and lows of the day.
- Have regular date nights. Even better, take trips together ALONE if you can. In the beginning of our marriage when we didn't have a lot of extra money we did little weekend trips. It has truly helped our marriage to have that time with just us. Girls trips, family trips and trips with other couples are great but (back to #1) if you don't enjoy time with just your spouse that will make for some pretty miserable empty nester/retirement years.
- Be honest with each other. Don't ask your husband if something looks good on you and then get all pouty when he says it doesn't. Seriously, just don't.
- Never stop growing. I remember my grandmama saying she was still spiritually growing in her 80's. We are never done growing - as Christian followers, spouses, parents. There is always something to work on and something to learn.
- Be on the same page with your parenting - or at least try your hardest. I'm not saying don't ever fight in front of your kids (I actually think that is bad advice). I'm saying talk about plans and consequences for your kids with your spouse before talking to your kids. It will make for a much more peaceful home.
- Compromise. You are NOT going to always agree with each other. You are not always going to have the same views on finances, parenting, etc. You have to compromise.
- Take risks. About 7 years ago we decided we were so sick of living in the Dallas area. We absolutely hated the traffic and crowds. So, we up and moved to the hill country - just like that. And we haven't regretted that decision one day in the last almost 7 years. My husband has been wanting to start his own business for as long as I can remember. He finally took the leap and did it. It has been one of the best decisions we have made for our family.
- Encourage each other. Referring back to #8, I have been urging my husband to start his own business for several years because I knew he would be successful. When I have hard days and feel like I am failing everyone he reminds me that I am a great mom and wife.
- Fight! It's okay to disagree. Sometimes you need to just fight it out. Get it all out there and then work through the mess that's out there. Holding in your resentment and anger creates a ticking time bomb.
- Be you. Ladies, if you hate cooking don't try to be The Pioneer Woman when you get married. You're setting yourself up for failure and misery. I'm not saying don't cook for your family but don't try to be someone you aren't. I hate sports (unless they are live or my kids are playing them.) I will watch the last 5 minutes of a great game but I'm not buying a Luka jersey and sitting on the couch pretending like I know what the hell is going on. Guys, don't go shopping with your wife and pretend you like it if you don't. I mean, c'mon. I see y'all out there carrying her bags with a look of complete misery on your face. Why?!
- Lean on each other but be independent. This was a hard one for me to learn but thankfully I learned pretty early since my husband was in the Navy for the first four years of marriage and he was out to sea quite a bit. It's good to rely on each other but don't completely depend on your spouse for everything. If they are having a crazy week at work pick up the slack at home. If my husband can't get to something he would normally take care of I may have to step out of my comfort zone to get something done.
- Let it go! If you choose to forgive your spouse for something they did or said in the past you have to let it go. Bringing up past hurts is toxic. Fight but fight fair!
- Mom, Dad, In-Laws, skip this one. Sex is important. It's so important. And if you have been married for 10 years already and still don't enjoy sex, do something different. Don't look at sex as a chore or something to check off the list.
- Be patient. Everyone grows at different rates. If you decide to change your life and go on a health kick, great! But don't expect your spouse to join in with you. If you start growing spiritually don't expect your spouse to be right there at the same level. Give them some time.
- Respect your spouse. Don't put yourself in situations you wouldn't want your spouse in. If you wouldn't want him going to happy hour alone with a female co-worker then you don't go alone with a male co-worker.
- Talk about your future. Future plans can constantly change but knowing what your spouse wants for the future is important.
- Compliment each other. Not just, "You look nice" on a date night but really compliment each other. And talk positively about your spouse to others. Ladies, there is nothing worse than husband bashing on a girls night out. Venting frustration and seeking advice from a trusted friend (or better yet, taking it to Jesus) is so much more effective than talking bad about your spouse to a group of friends.
- I'm saving the most important ones for last. Give it to God! I mean it. Give your entire marriage to God. Surrender it ALL to him. I promise you will not regret it. (Go back and check out some of my past posts on marriage for my experience with this.)
- PRAY for your spouse (and your kids) daily. If I'm being honest, I just started doing this several months ago but it has truly been life changing.
Cheers to 20 more!!!
