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Monday, May 14, 2012

Decisions and Free Will

Have you ever been faced with a tough, life changing decision?  I have always had a hard time making big decisions.  I am a planner by nature so I try and make all of my decisions based on facts, finances and a little bit of my gut feeling.  If I still can't decide then I pray about it.  (I completely realize those two steps should be reversed but that is one of my many faults - think first, pray later.) 

Many, if not most, times after I pray about a decision I still feel like I don't have an answer.  I literally want God to TELL me what to do.  If I have two options I want him to take one completely away so the power to decide is out of my hands.  I often pray for specific signs so I can be certain of what His will is for me.  I don't think praying for these things are bad necessarily, but I have learned that God gave us free will for a reason.  Sometimes He brings us to a point where He wants us to decide for ourselves.  I have faith that when I pray about a decision and don't feel like I have gotten a clear answer that is His way of telling me He will bless either path I take.

My dream had always been to be a mom.  I felt like Garrison was a miracle sent to me from God and I wanted to experience that at least once more before I left this earth.  Garrett and I have been together since we were 15 and we have always known we would have two kids.  It was something we discussed and never disagreed about.  I remember about 2 years ago I wanted another child so badly I couldn't stand it.  I was trying to be patient and wait for "the right time" in our lives (mostly financially) to start trying for another child.  One day, and what I felt like was completely out of the blue, Garrett told me he didn't want anymore children.  My heart had never felt so broken...ever.  I felt like he had pulled my heart right out of my chest and just shattered it in a million pieces.  He knew how badly I wanted another one but he felt that our marriage might be rocky if we were stretched on finances.  This was very logical of him as most all of our fights in the past had been when our finances were tight.  He basically told me he was choosing our marriage over expanding our family.  This was so hard for me to take in and accept.  I prayed more during that time than I ever had in my entire life.  And of course the next two years seemed like the baby boom of my time.  EVERYONE was pregnant.  And every pregnancy I found out about was another grain of salt in the wound.  I am proud to say that my husband and I have awesome communication and this was an ongoing discussion even though we felt we had both already made our decisions.  We agreed that we would pray about having another child.  Over time I saw Garrett's heart softening about this and eventually we ended up talking about adopting vs. having another biological child.

My point to this long rambling story is that God can do amazing things in your life and all you have to do is ask Him what He wants from you.  Pray before making big decisions.  If you know my husband you know how stubborn he can be.  I have seen God do some incredible things in our life and turned the impossible into His plan.  I am asking you today to trust in God.  Trust him with your finances, your decisions, your children, your marriage, your relationships, your life.  He died for you.  It's not asking too much to have faith in Him and trust that He knows what's best for us, is it?!

*Jewels

 


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