Monday, December 16, 2013

Hold Them Close. Hold Him Closer.

So much has happened since I last posted.  I will give you the short version and say that Ethan's pneumonia worsened and we had to admit him to the hospital this past Thursday.  We are going on Night 5 of hospital living.

I won't go into all the details of the last several days.  I will just say that he has been on IV antibiotics since Thursday.  His breathing worsened yesterday and a second x ray yesterday morning showed he had an effusion which is fluid around the lungs.  This is not good but not uncommon with pneumonia.  Since then the doctors have added a second antibiotic and he seems to be responding well.  The only thing holding us back from going home is his fluid intake.  The docs want him to be drinking 30 oz of fluid on his own and right now he's only taking in about 5-6 oz a day.  Ugh.  So I will be praying for my little man to wake up with an unquenchable thirst tomorrow.  :)

Here are some pictures of my little man over the last several days.  They do not all show his normal, happy self.  When looking back this will remind me to never take that beautiful smile for granted again!

ER socks did not come in his size.  I don't think he was too happy about it.  :)

Cuddling with the stuffed dinosaur my sweet friend brought him

E took up reading while in the hospital.  

Peek-a-Boo!  There's that smile!

Standing AND eating... huge accomplishment! 
 Cuddle time with Mama
 Cuddle time with Daddy
I'm not at all trying to make light of our situation.  Okay, maybe I am a little, simply because comic relief is sometimes the only relief.  But the last two weeks have been really, really hard watching my little guy suffer and grow weaker with each day.

When we checked into the ER on Thursday there was a lot of commotion in the ER and the tension was thick.  The nurses said there was a critical patient (child) in the ER and that most of the medical staff was focusing on that child so the wait would be long.  I later learned that child died.  I believe he was a toddler.  Just yesterday I learned that my friend lost her infant nephew.  So much sadness around us.  So much pain.  So much innocence leaving this world far too soon.

There are a lot of people I would lay my life down for.  But as a mother there would be absolutely no hesitation that I would trade my life for my boys' without a second thought.  I know it is no coincidence that we, as parents, have that connection to our children.  I think so many of us recognize that connection but we completely miss the REASON for that connection.  God is trying to show us through our earthly relationships how much He loves us.  It is hard for us to imagine Him dying on a cross for His children (each and every one of us).  But it's not hard for us to imagine giving our life for our child's.  Why is that?!

Since I became a mother 8 years ago God has shown and is showing me what it means to love.  He is showing me what it means to sacrifice for others.  He is showing me what it means to put someone else above yourself.  And most importantly He is showing me that His love for me is even stronger than my love for Garrison or Ethan.  This was unfathomable at first.  But after experiences like this one (looking at my weak, sick baby in a hospital bed) I know that I have to hold my baby close.  I have to comfort him.  But I have to hold my Jesus even closer.  I have to let Him comfort me.  As much as I want to trade places with Ethan right now I can't.  It's impossible.  God ALREADY traded places with us when He died on the cross.  THAT is true love!  

These children are not mine.  They are God's.  He is trusting me to care for them while I have the honor and privilege of raising them.  But most importantly He wants me to understand His love.  I used to think that nothing compared to the love of a mother.  But I now understand that nothing compares to the love of our Saviour.  Nothing.

"We love because He first loved us."  ~1 John 4:19


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