Parenting Young Adults (Ain't for the Weak)

I may try to get back into regular blogging with life updates (and of course, humor), but for now...I felt like a post to cover all that I've learned over the last year is in order.  I hope this is something that will encourage those of you sending your young adults off into the world.  Or those of you who have been struggling with parenting young adults.  As always, I don't claim to have the right answers, or any answers for that matter.  I just feel inclined to share my experience with others in hopes that it will encourage you in some way.

Our oldest son went off to college last August.  We have never been parents who push higher education but that was his choice and we fully supported him.  Long story short, he just wasn't ready.  That's his story to tell, not mine.  But I can share bits from my perspective.  Letting go was hard.  Really freaking hard.  But it's also necessary.  We have to let go of our kids at some point, right?  Whether that's when they are 18 or older.  They are eventually going to "fly the coop" and we have to be okay with that.  

After a few months in college, Garrison decided to come back home.  We were very transparent with his options.  If he was not in school and lived at home he would be working and paying rent.  For those of you shaking your heads or gasping at that statement, read on.  I honestly struggled with having him pay rent for a short time.  But I can now say that I am 100% confident we made the right decision enforcing this accountability on our son.  We didn't need his money but we needed him to have a sense of responsibility.  We were not at all mad or disappointed in him for not being successful in college.  (Heck, neither of us were ready for college at 18.)  But we are also not enablers.  We were not going to let our 18 year old son come home from college and think he could come and go as he pleased and do whatever he wanted.  After working a couple of jobs he ended up deciding he wanted to join the military.  As much as we knew this was a fantastic option for him my mama heart hurt all over again knowing I would have to once again let him go.  

People often ask me if I'm scared of my son being in the Navy.  The truth is I feel less scared with him being in the military than I did with him being in college.  In college he had way too much freedom that he was just not ready for.  In the military, he alone is accountable for all of his actions.  There are real consequences for any mistakes he might make.  He is such a hard worker and just a good, solid human.  I know he will do well in the military, whether that's for this 6 year commitment he has made or if he decides to make a career out of it.  

We are beyond proud of Garrison.  Not only because he has chosen to serve our country, but because he has grown and learned from what some (not us) might call failure, and chosen to do something productive and important with his life.  

Some things I have learned while going through a couple of life changing transitions with my young adult son in the last year are:

It's okay to be sad and scared.

Don't hold your kid to higher expectations than you would hold your 18 year old self to.  We always say we want our kids to be better than we were, but we also need to be realistic.  Read that again.

Let yourself cry.  I cried the entire way home from college drop off and I cried after the last drop off when we saw him after boot camp, not knowing for sure when I would see him again.

Let them fail.  Don't micromanage your kid when they leave the nest.  Let them make mistakes.  Otherwise, they will never learn.

Don't be an enabler.  Even if you were once the parent who wanted your kid to have the ribbon for coming in last place, or got them out of trouble in every school situation, or talked to their coaches/teachers on their behalf...stop!  You have the rest of their life to be their friend.  Be their parent when they need it the most.

Love them through it.  They are growing and learning and pushing boundaries and sometimes confused as hell.  Just love them through it.

Communicate with your spouse and try to have a united front.  Garrett and I are not always on the same page but I am so thankful we were completely aligned through these difficult transitions.  What a blessing! 

Guide them and support them and offer them advice, but in the end, let them make the decision for what's next in their life.  It needs to be their decision, not yours.

Most importantly, and I can't emphasize this enough...PRAY!  Get on your knees and pray!  Even if you aren't someone who typically spends time with God, start.  I have prayed harder over the last year than I ever have in my entire life.  God has shown me SO much about letting go and letting HIM take over.  He once again showed me that HE entrusted me to be a mama to my amazing boys, but ultimately they are HIS and I need to trust Him with them.  I have immersed myself in the book The Power of Praying for your Adult Children by Stormie Omartian.  I highly recommend it.  And even though Garrison is settled and committed to this career for now, I will continue to pray some of those prayers over him every single day.

I am learning that parenting never ends.  It changes.  It evolves.  But it never ends.  Our love for our children is everlasting.  The way we parent will change and the relationship we have with our kids will change.  But the love never, ever does. 

Here are some photos from Garison's boot camp graduation and our time with him in Chicago.  He is strong.  He is brave.  He has chosen service to his country over self.  And we are beyond proud!

 One of the scriptures I pray over Garrison every day is:

"May God give you all the desires of your heart that are in His will, and fulfull all your purpose." 

-Psalm 20:4

Senior Series: Letting Go

You will be heading off to college in less than 4 months.  I have had a bittersweet mix of emotions for the last 18 years knowing this day would come.  To be a parent is to love your kids so much that you prepare them for all that is to come.  You love them so much that you have to have boundaries, rules and discipline.  You love them so much that you can't give them everything they want, even when you want to or you think they deserve it.  And the hardest part is you love them so much that you have to let them go, so they can be who God created them to be.  

You have turned into an incredible young man and we give all the glory to God.  I know you will succeed in anything and everything you put your mind to.  I hope you believe that.  My prayer is that you never forget the One who gave you this life and who is responsible for all of your gifts and success.  He will be there with you every step of the way, even when we are not physically with you.  (And you know we will be in that car or on a plane in a second if you ever need us, whether you are up the street or 1,000 miles away.)  

I was reading in Grandmama's Daily Light book the other day and came across a page titled, "Relocation".  It has scripture all around this theme and I wanted to share it with you because it's so good.

My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.

Where can I go from Your Spirit?  Or where can I flee from your presence?  If I ascend into heaven, You are there; if I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.  If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there Your hand shall lead me, and Your right hand shall hold me.  He found him in a desert land and in the wasteland, a howling wilderness.  He encircled him, He instructed him, He kept him as the apple of His eye.  As an eagle stirs up its nest, hovers over its young, spreading out its wings, taking them up, carrying them on its wings, so the Lord alone led him.  THE LORD IS THERE.  Now give me wisdom and knowledge, that I may go out and come in.  And He led them forth by the right way.  "In this place I will give peace," says the Lord of hosts.  Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

Exod. 33:14; Ps.139:7-10; Deut. 32:10-12; Ezek. 48:35; 2 Chron. 1:10; Ps. 107:7; Hag. 2:9; Josh 1:9

Cheers to you!  We love you, always.

Senior Series: Only Jesus

 I remember hearing this Casting Crowns song for the first time and it was like they had seen into my soul.  The song is called, "Only Jesus".  Here is the chorus and the bridge:

And I, I don't want to leave a legacy

I don't care if they remember me
Only Jesus
And I, I've only got one life to live
I'll let every second point to Him
Only Jesus

All the kingdoms built, all the trophies won
Will crumble into dust when it's said and done
'Cause all that really matters
Did I live the truth to the ones I love
Was my life the proof that there is only One
Whose name will last forever

I had so many big goals as a mom:

-Help them fulfill their dreams, no matter how many practices or games you have to drive them to

-Keep things light and keep them laughing

-Give them memories they will treasure always, including awesome vacations

-Create a healthy balance of discipline and unconditional love

-Teach them to be kind and humble

By no means have I been a perfect mom.  I have made a lot of mistakes, but I have always loved you with every fiber of my being.  And my ultimate goal has always been that you will truly know Jesus and have a relationship with Him.

You have already experienced the loss of a grandparent. I know how hard that has been and I wish I could tell you the grief of that loss will ease over time, but it may not.  And you will lose more incredible grandparents.  One day you will lose Dad and me.  You will experience so much loss in this world and that is exactly why I pray you will never lose your faith and your love for Jesus.  He has the ability to heal every hurt, catch every tear, comfort every minute of loneliness, and to bring hope to the hopeless. 

I remember being in the hospital with your brother when we weren't sure if he would even make it through.  If I'm being honest, I was angry with God during that time.  Why would He have given us this amazing gift only to potentially take that gift away?  It was at that moment, when I surrendered all to God, that I realized He entrusted me and Dad with you and your brother.  And I realize He loves both of you FAR more than I could ever even be capable of loving.  That is unfathomable because I would literally give my life for both of you.  One day you will realize what an incredible honor and gift it is to be a parent and just how potent that love is.  If you hear nothing else from me, hear this - He is EVERYTHING, Garrison.  He will always be there for you and He will NEVER ever fail you.

I love you.  And He loves you even more.

"We love because He first loved us." -1 John 4:19

"My salvation and my honor depend on God; He is my mighty rock and my refuge." -Psalm 62:7

 

Senior Series: Raising a Husband

I know this sounds weird, but since you've been a little boy I have had to remind myself that I am raising a husband, not a boy.  Let me explain.  You know I absolutely love serving my family.  I love to cook for y'all, serve y'all dinner, and shower y'all with love and affection.  With you and your brother I often have to stop myself and remember I am raising husbands, not little boys.  So, do I want to raise my sons (future husbands) who expect their wife to cook them dinner, serve them dinner, and constantly shower them with love and affection after a long day at work or a long day with the kids?  Nope.  So, I have always tried to show you how to be a man who thinks of others first and does not take the generosity of others for granted.

Funny story...I remember when you were about 7 years old.  I was SO tired of going in your bathroom and smelling pee.  (I still do not understand why it was so hard for you to pee in the toilet and not on the floor, walls, shower curtain, wherever else you were peeing.)  I finally decided to teach you one of those important life lessons and make you start mopping your bathroom floor.  Welp, that back-fired.  You grabbed that mop and started mopping away.  As I stood there leaning against the bathroom door with my arms folded you turned and looked at me with a huge smile.  "This is fun!  Can I do another room next?"  You always had a way of surprising me, kid.  I mean, what in the world?! 

I know I've been talking about your future role as a husband, but I hope you will remember what I have taught you about future girlfriends/wives.  Mean girls and drama mamas have no place in your world.  I pray you will find your best friend to live your life with - while she won't be perfect (none of us are), I hope you will find someone who loves you unconditionally, who nurtures and cares for your family, who puts Jesus first, and who you can laugh with every day (even when you're fighting).  

Your dad and I have tried to keep a sense of humor alive and active in the family.  I know things haven't always been "peachy keen jelly bean" but I hope you remember all the amazing times we've shared as a family, full of laughter.  Life is way too serious as it is.  One of the things I love most about you is your ability to be goofy.  I remember when you used to pose as a mannequin at Old Navy.  Every time we would go in there you would pose with your fellow mannequins.  I felt like I was watching Candid Camera when people would come in and try to figure out if you were real or not.  It still cracks me up to this day when I think about it.  (You better believe I have photo proof of this below.)  I love your easy going nature where you allow me to poke fun at you, and you at me.  Don't ever lose that quality.  

You have always, always, always been so good about being appreciative of all I do for you.  I want to tell you right here that has not gone unnoticed for the last 18 years.  Seriously.  You have always made me feel so loved and appreciated.  I don't know how many moms can say that of their 18 year-old sons, but I am grateful to be one of them.  And you always seem to know just when I need one of those amazing Garrison hugs - the ones that have changed from me comforting you into you comforting me.  I will continue to look forward to those hugs for the rest of my life.

I love you.