What am I doing awake (and blogging) at 4 am you ask? Good question. Ethan just had one of his night terrors and I couldn't go back to sleep. Night terrors is all I can think to call it. Every once in a while he will randomly scream at night and when I go in to comfort him his eyes are closed the whole time. The worst part is that I can't comfort him. At all. So I have to pat his back and sometimes pick him up and bounce him and then just let him cry it out because that only makes the screaming worse.
And this leads me to my middle of the night post. Lately I have felt completely inadequate as his mom. Why can I not comfort him sometimes? And the negative thoughts begin. Does he sense that I am not his biological mom? Does he feel like he is missing something or someone? Does he just need her? I know these are awful thoughts to have but they are there and I can't ignore them. Sometimes he will just cry and I can't comfort him. Garrett will say, "Here, hand him to me." And after he takes him he is fine. Do you know how inadequate that makes me feel as a mom? I know I should be so happy I have a husband who wants to comfort our baby and blessed that he can. But instead I give him what probably looks like a go to hell look and hand Ethan over...once again, in defeat.
So tonight I lay in bed thinking all of these awful thoughts and out of nowhere (well, we all know it's not really nowhere) this verse hits me.
"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father
of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows" ~James 1:17
It doesn't matter if I carried Ethan in my belly or if someone else carried him. He is not mine to begin with, he is God's. Just like Garrison. And I am adequate. I am more than adequate to be his mom because my heart OVERFLOWS with unconditional love and joy for this child.
And then as if the snap of fingers my awful thoughts were replaced with all of the perfect "mommy memories" I have had with this precious miracle. I was there every night rocking him and holding him in the NICU for over a month even when I wasn't sure if he would be our forever baby. I was there when he transitioned from a feeding tube to a bottle. I was there for his first bath. I was there to talk to all of the doctors and nurses about his progress. I was there when he was discharged from the hospital. I was the one to get up with him in the middle of the night for all of those feedings. I was there at that awful doctor appointment when they had to stick what looked like a paperclip in his eye to make sure his eyes were developing normally. I was the one who comforted him. I fed him his first spoonful of food. I nursed him through his first ear infection. I was there when he was baptized and we dedicated his life to Jesus. I was there all along. And I am adequate. Through Jesus I am adequate to care for this beautiful, precious miracle.