They are His

Three years since my last post.  For a while, I felt like I just didn't have the time to write. And then I felt like nobody would really want to hear my "random thoughts". But I have realized recently that I don't necessarily write for others. It is somewhat of a public diary - something I hope will be out there for years to come, possibly something my boys and grandkids can read one day. I see them looking back and saying one of three things (1) I'm so glad my mom recorded these things (2) My mom actually was kind of funny (3) My mom sure did love Jesus. If I'm being honest I'd prefer they reflect on that third thought more than the others. I will share updates in upcoming posts and I definitely plan to write more frequently. 

This Christmas, more than all the others, I have been reflecting back on December of 2013. This was the time Ethan was hospitalized for pneumonia with plural effusions. I will not go into all the details of his sickness, complications and hospitalizations in this post. You can read all about that time right here. I do have some thoughts that I am not sure I ever shared during that time of our life that I feel so compelled to share now, 9 years later. 

For the first time in my life I was angry with God. Really, really angry. Why would God give us the gift us this child, this precious boy who shared a birthday with Jesus, the boy who came to our family in such a miraculous way...only to potentially take him away? We had followed God's will. we were obedient. We trusted Him all through Ethan's adoption process. I worked full time during the day, went home to be with my husband and oldest in the evening and went to cudddle skin to skin with this boy (falling asleep multiple times only to be waken up by NICU nurses) before I even knew he would permanently be ours. Garrett spent weekends at the hospital with Ethan bonding with him. We did this for 6 weeks. We brought him home - nurtured him, cared for him, gave him everything he needed and more. 

Why would God do this to us? I remember having all these thoughts one night in the hospital after Garrett and Garrison had left and I was alone in the room with Ethan. It was late. I was exhausted. Beyond exhausted. I was so tired of seeing my little frail boy growing weaker by the day. And I did something completely opposite of my feelings and emotions. I cried out to God in worship. I sang praise songs in that hospital room. I didn't care who heard. I didn't care if they thought I was crazy. I was crying out to Jesus. All the desperation, pain and despair turned into praise for Him and who I knew He really was. I knew he didn't mean harm to us or Ethan. I knew he didn't want us to suffer. I just did was I was created to do - I praised him through it. It hit me in that moment. Ethan was not ours. Yes, we legally adopted him. Yes, we cared for him. Yes, we loved him and gave him a home and so much more. But he didn't belong to us. (And neither did Garrison.) He was God's. God entrusted us with Ethan, just like he entrusted us with Garrison. God gave him to us and he had every right to take him from us in His time. And I had to trust that no matter what the outcome was Jesus had a plan. Selfishly, I am grateful God chose to use that circumstance to strengthen my faith beyond measure and let Ethan stay with us here on earth. 

I am forever changed by this experience. It drew me closer to Jesus than I had ever been in my life. We have a powerful enemy that we need to be aware of. And he comes to steal, kill and destroy. But God....He wants us to have life to the fullest (John 10:10). 

I share all this so that you may have faith, hope and trust - especially this Christmas season - in the One who created you. Life can be hard.  Really hard. But Jesus knows the plans He has for you - plans for hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). 

I pray that no matter where you find yourself this Christmas you feel the love and presence of our Saviour. After all, He is all you will ever need (John 14:8).