This Christmas, more than all the
others, I have been reflecting back on December of 2013. This was the time Ethan
was hospitalized for pneumonia with plural effusions. I will not go into all the
details of his sickness, complications and hospitalizations in this post.
You can read all about that time right here.
I do have some thoughts that I am not sure I ever shared during that time of our
life that I feel so compelled to share now, 9 years later.
For the first time in
my life I was angry with God. Really, really angry. Why would God give us the
gift us this child, this precious boy who shared a birthday with Jesus, the boy
who came to our family in such a miraculous way...only to potentially take him
away? We had followed God's will. we were obedient. We trusted Him all through
Ethan's adoption process. I worked full time during the day, went home to be
with my husband and oldest in the evening and went to cudddle skin to skin with
this boy (falling asleep multiple times only to be waken up by NICU nurses)
before I even knew he would permanently be ours. Garrett spent weekends at the
hospital with Ethan bonding with him. We did this for 6 weeks. We brought him
home - nurtured him, cared for him, gave him everything he needed and more.
Why
would God do this to us? I remember having all these thoughts one night in the
hospital after Garrett and Garrison had left and I was alone in the room with
Ethan. It was late. I was exhausted. Beyond exhausted. I was so tired of seeing
my little frail boy growing weaker by the day. And I did something completely
opposite of my feelings and emotions. I cried out to God in worship. I sang
praise songs in that hospital room. I didn't care who heard. I didn't care if
they thought I was crazy. I was crying out to Jesus. All the desperation, pain
and despair turned into praise for Him and who I knew He really was. I knew he
didn't mean harm to us or Ethan. I knew he didn't want us to suffer. I just did
was I was created to do - I praised him through it. It hit me in that moment.
Ethan was not ours. Yes, we legally adopted him. Yes, we cared for him. Yes, we
loved him and gave him a home and so much more. But he didn't belong to us. (And
neither did Garrison.) He was God's. God entrusted us with Ethan, just like he
entrusted us with Garrison. God gave him to us and he had every right to take
him from us in His time. And I had to trust that no matter what the outcome was
Jesus had a plan. Selfishly, I am grateful God chose to use that circumstance to
strengthen my faith beyond measure and let Ethan stay with us here on earth.
I
am forever changed by this experience. It drew me closer to Jesus than I had
ever been in my life. We have a powerful enemy that we need to be aware of. And
he comes to steal, kill and destroy. But God....He wants us to have life to the
fullest (John 10:10).
I share all this so that you may have faith, hope and
trust - especially this Christmas season - in the One who created you. Life can
be hard. Really hard. But Jesus knows the plans He has for you - plans for hope
and a future (Jeremiah 29:11).
I pray that no matter where you find yourself
this Christmas you feel the love and presence of our Saviour. After all, He is
all you will ever need (John 14:8).
