Cry Out

I heard an awesome song this morning called "Cry Out to Jesus" by Third Day.  Here is the song/video if you haven't heard it yet.

I think everyone can relate to this song in some way.  It talks about losing those close to us, marriages that are failing and problems with addiction. 

There are so many people out there who think they can handle everything on their own.  It's not possible though.  We can't handle everything on our own and I think Jesus intended it to be this way so we would cry out to Him and ask Him for help, faith, mercy, grace, love, guidance.

This afternoon I was reading the "Kisses from Katie" book and I wanted to share this excerpt:

In Masese it was dark.  It was quiet.  The cold rain dripped through her thatched roof into her house of about four feet by four feet, soaking through the thin sheet she wrapped around her skeletal, frail body shivered with cold.  Her stomach rumbled with hunger, making sleep impossible.

Grace was sixty-five years old... she was totally blind and all alone.  Her HIV had progressed to full-blown AIDS, making it impossible for her tiny body to fight off any type of infection.  A merciless cough, caused by tuberculosis, racked her body.  In depsair she cried out to God, a God she has not spoken to in twenty years, believing He had forsaken her when AIDS took her precious husband and four children from this earth, and when her other two children, who later died of AIDS, abandoned her in search of a better life.  She wailed to Him and asked if He could hear her.  She knew her life was nearing its end.  She desperately wanted to believe in something, anything before she departed this world.  

The story goes on to talk about how that same day Katie (author of this book) was told about this woman by others in the village and she went to visit her.  This visit was the first of many and a deep bond formed between the two of them.  This woman was so desperate she cried out to God and He answered her prayer.  It was just a reminder to me that we can't handle it on our own.

Today,  I encourage you to lift up whatever you are struggling with and stop trying to handle it on your own.  Cry out to Him and He will meet you right where you are.

Jewels*
  

It Won't Be Like This For Long

One of my favorite songs is Darius Rucker's, "It Won't Be Like This For Long".  You can listen to and watch it here.

The song is SO true.  I look back on when Garrett and I first got married.  Okay, well maybe not when we first got married because I have blogged before about how our "honeymoon stage" was really the "year from hell" stage. Haha!  But I look back on our good times pre kiddos and I miss the times where we could spontaneously go somewhere.  I miss having the time to just focus on us.  I miss being able to just have it out when we wanted to fight and just yell to feel better.  (Sad, but true.)  I don't at all regret having kids young but my point is that I don't want to have any regrets.  I know I will miss this time when my boys are little.  Even in the midst of complete chaos I remind myself to try and look in on that moment and seal it away in my mind forever.  My boys are such blessings and I need to treasure each moment I have with them.

It's funny how now that I work part time I have found so many other things that "have to be done" at home after I pick Garrison up.  The point of me working part time was to have more time with my boys, not to make sure the laundry and dishes were done so I didn't have to stay up late that night.  I have to keep reminding myself that this time I get with them is so precious and should be valued and treasured and I need to make the most of it so there are no regrets. 

Speaking of chaos we had a crazy busy weekend.  We surprised Garrison by taking him to the Rangers game Friday night.  He was able to get Feldman's autograph and we had an awesome time!  Here are some pictures!

He loves his cotton candy so much he was guarding it! :)

We also had Garrison's friend birthday party Saturday.  We rented the indoor rock climbing wall at the Wylie Rec Center and had seven boys there.  Here is a shot of Garrison getting ready to go climbing... goofy boy.

We had six come back to the house and five spending the night.  I really wish I could have invited his whole baseball team because I love all of those kiddos but I would have been one crazy mama if I would have had an extra 10 kids at my house that night.  :)  Anyways, it was a great success and while boys are messy, rowdy, LOVE to wrestle and are loud I was lucky enough to get an awesome group of well behaved boys.  Here are some pictures of them doing what they do best!

They actually sat down in a circle for one of the games! :)

And they all settled down for movie time!

And Garrett insisted we give Garrison his DS at his friend party so he was STOKED about that!

We have another crazy busy weekend coming up so I plan on taking it easy this week in preparation for that! :)

I'm too exhausted to even finish this post off with a recipe so I'll be sure and post one tomorrow! :)

Jewels*

Inadequate

What am I doing awake (and blogging) at 4 am you ask?  Good question.  Ethan just had one of his night terrors and I couldn't go back to sleep.  Night terrors is all I can think to call it.  Every once in a while he will randomly scream at night and when I go in to comfort him his eyes are closed the whole time.  The worst part is that I can't comfort him.  At all.  So I have to pat his back and sometimes pick him up and bounce him and then just let him cry it out because that only makes the screaming worse.

And this leads me to my middle of the night post.  Lately I have felt completely inadequate as his mom.  Why can I not comfort him sometimes?  And the negative thoughts begin.  Does he sense that I am not his biological mom?  Does he feel like he is missing something or someone?  Does he just need her?  I know these are awful thoughts to have but they are there and I can't ignore them.  Sometimes he will just cry and I can't comfort him.  Garrett will say, "Here, hand him to me."  And after he takes him he is fine.  Do you know how inadequate that makes me feel as a mom?  I know I should be so happy I have a husband who wants to comfort our baby and blessed that he can.  But instead I give him what probably looks like a go to hell look and hand Ethan over...once again, in defeat. 

So tonight I lay in bed thinking all of these awful thoughts and out of nowhere (well, we all know it's not really nowhere) this verse hits me.
"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows" ~James 1:17
It doesn't matter if I carried Ethan in my belly or if someone else carried him.  He is not mine to begin with, he is God's.  Just like Garrison.  And I am adequate.  I am more than adequate to be his mom because my heart OVERFLOWS with unconditional love and joy for this child.

And then as if the snap of fingers my awful thoughts were replaced with all of the perfect "mommy memories" I have had with this precious miracle.  I was there every night rocking him and holding him in the NICU for over a month even when I wasn't sure if he would be our forever baby.  I was there when he transitioned from a feeding tube to a bottle.  I was there for his first bath.  I was there to talk to all of the doctors and nurses about his progress.  I was there when he was discharged from the hospital.  I was the one to get up with him in the middle of the night for all of those feedings.  I was there at that awful doctor appointment when they had to stick what looked like a paperclip in his eye to make sure his eyes were developing normally.  I was the one who comforted him.  I fed him his first spoonful of food.  I nursed him through his first ear infection.  I was there when he was baptized and we dedicated his life to Jesus.  I was there all along.  And I am adequate.  Through Jesus I am adequate to care for this beautiful, precious miracle.

Jewels*