Our oldest son went off to college last August. We have never been parents who push higher education but that was his choice and we fully supported him. Long story short, he just wasn't ready. That's his story to tell, not mine. But I can share bits from my perspective. Letting go was hard. Really freaking hard. But it's also necessary. We have to let go of our kids at some point, right? Whether that's when they are 18 or older. They are eventually going to "fly the coop" and we have to be okay with that.
After a few months in college, Garrison decided to come back home. We were very transparent with his options. If he was not in school and lived at home he would be working and paying rent. For those of you shaking your heads or gasping at that statement, read on. I honestly struggled with having him pay rent for a short time. But I can now say that I am 100% confident we made the right decision enforcing this accountability on our son. We didn't need his money but we needed him to have a sense of responsibility. We were not at all mad or disappointed in him for not being successful in college. (Heck, neither of us were ready for college at 18.) But we are also not enablers. We were not going to let our 18 year old son come home from college and think he could come and go as he pleased and do whatever he wanted. After working a couple of jobs he ended up deciding he wanted to join the military. As much as we knew this was a fantastic option for him my mama heart hurt all over again knowing I would have to once again let him go.
People often ask me if I'm scared of my son being in the Navy. The truth is I feel less scared with him being in the military than I did with him being in college. In college he had way too much freedom that he was just not ready for. In the military, he alone is accountable for all of his actions. There are real consequences for any mistakes he might make. He is such a hard worker and just a good, solid human. I know he will do well in the military, whether that's for this 6 year commitment he has made or if he decides to make a career out of it.
We are beyond proud of Garrison. Not only because he has chosen to serve our country, but because he has grown and learned from what some (not us) might call failure, and chosen to do something productive and important with his life.
Some things I have learned while going through a couple of life changing transitions with my young adult son in the last year are:
It's okay to be sad and scared.
Don't hold your kid to higher expectations than you would hold your 18 year old self to. We always say we want our kids to be better than we were, but we also need to be realistic. Read that again.
Let yourself cry. I cried the entire way home from college drop off and I cried after the last drop off when we saw him after boot camp, not knowing for sure when I would see him again.
Let them fail. Don't micromanage your kid when they leave the nest. Let them make mistakes. Otherwise, they will never learn.
Don't be an enabler. Even if you were once the parent who wanted your kid to have the ribbon for coming in last place, or got them out of trouble in every school situation, or talked to their coaches/teachers on their behalf...stop! You have the rest of their life to be their friend. Be their parent when they need it the most.
Love them through it. They are growing and learning and pushing boundaries and sometimes confused as hell. Just love them through it.
Communicate with your spouse and try to have a united front. Garrett and I are not always on the same page but I am so thankful we were completely aligned through these difficult transitions. What a blessing!
Guide them and support them and offer them advice, but in the end, let them make the decision for what's next in their life. It needs to be their decision, not yours.
Most importantly, and I can't emphasize this enough...PRAY! Get on your knees and pray! Even if you aren't someone who typically spends time with God, start. I have prayed harder over the last year than I ever have in my entire life. God has shown me SO much about letting go and letting HIM take over. He once again showed me that HE entrusted me to be a mama to my amazing boys, but ultimately they are HIS and I need to trust Him with them. I have immersed myself in the book The Power of Praying for your Adult Children by Stormie Omartian. I highly recommend it. And even though Garrison is settled and committed to this career for now, I will continue to pray some of those prayers over him every single day.
I am learning that parenting never ends. It changes. It evolves. But it never ends. Our love for our children is everlasting. The way we parent will change and the relationship we have with our kids will change. But the love never, ever does.
Here are some photos from Garison's boot camp graduation and our time with him in Chicago. He is strong. He is brave. He has chosen service to his country over self. And we are beyond proud!
One of the scriptures I pray over Garrison every day is:
"May God give you all the desires of your heart that are in His will, and fulfull all your purpose."
-Psalm 20:4
