Senior Year Series: Big Brother

You begged us for a little brother since you were around 3 years old.  I always knew you would be the best big brother.  Everyone says that about their first born but I believed it deep down to my core.  Your kind heart, selflessness, empathy for others and strong leadership tendencies showed me that you were born for this job.  Giving you a brother took a lot longer than we thought.  And what I had pictured (you watching my growing belly and finally meeting your little brother for the first time in the hospital) did not turn out at all like I had envisioned.  We say this to y'all and so many others all the time though - God's plans were always SO much better than ours.  When we told you we were going to adopt Ethan you were so excited.  You couldn't wait to meet him!  I hated that you had to watch Dad and I go to the hospital for all of those weeks and you were never able to go meet him since you were not old enough to go in the NICU.  But, as always, you were such a trooper.  You loved looking at pictures of him and helping to prep things at home for him.  

The day we brought him home was one of the most precious days of my life.  I will never forget watching you lay eyes on him for the first time.  Your emotions were palpable - overwhelming and unconditional love.

Now let's keep it real...you haven't always been an angelic big brother.  Just like he hasn't always been an innocent younger brother.  You had your moments, just like we all do.  But you have continued to gain my admiration and respect over the years for the love, kindness and protection you continuously show to Ethan.  You were never, ever too cool to play with him.  You truly are incredible, Garrison!  Ethan is so blessed to have you by his side.  Friends come and go but you will be brothers forever.  Please don't ever forget that.  Don't ever let anything or anyone come between y'all.  Love him well and look out for him always.  I know you will.  

These are just a few of my favorites of y'all over the years. 

 

"Some people don't believe in heroes.  But they haven't met my brother." -Unknown

"A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity." - Proverbs 17:17

I love you.  

-Mom

Senior Year Series: Heart Transporting

The love of a mom is vastly different than any other kind of love.  I never fully understood this until you made me a mama.  I have heard many describe motherhood as their heart expanding.  I think I would say it is more like heart transporting.  It is seeing a piece of your heart in human form - a heart that smiles up at you, sheds tears and seeks comfort in your arms.  Nobody ever warned me there is also a desperate need to protect that heart with every fiber of your being. 

I frequently laugh at a memory from when you were about 4 years old.  I dropped you off at daycare one morning and you sat in your little chair at a table with your classmates.  The little girl across from you looked up at me and said, "I got donuts!"  She sounded like an ogre or a cavewoman but maybe that's just my biased memory.  I smiled at her and then she looked at the girl next to her and said loudly, "Don't be his friend today!"  Until that moment I never thought it was possible to have such animosity toward a child.  My smile turned into a grimace and Mama Bear came out.  I glared at the cavegirl and sternly said, "Hey!  Maybe I'll tell her not to be your friend today?"  She just started at me with donut on her face.  "That's what I thought," I said.  I hugged you goodbye and walked out of that door.  I'll admit now that wasn't my most shining moment but dang did it feel good!

I have always felt completely capable of loving others deeply but nothing prepared me for the love I would feel for you.  Oftentimes I would find myself just watching you sleep and listening to the sound of your soft breathing.  You could be doing the simplest, most mundane activity like breathing and it filled me with wonder and awe.  I used to sway side to side while holding you.  To this day I randomly find myself swaying side to side for no reason at all.  Even when you aren't physically with me, you are.  That is something that brings me comfort as I try to imagine dropping you off at college in less than a year.  You will not physically be with me but you will always, always, always be a part of me.  And I will always be a part of you.  No amount of distance, time or life circumstances will change that.

"As as mother comforts her child, so I will comfort you."  - Isaiah 66:13

Senior Year Series: Surprises

Intro

It is sloooowly sinking in that my oldest is actually a Senior this year.  

You've heard all the cliche sayings.  You know, the ones the old ladies used to tell you when you were balancing a baby and a diaper bag while wiping spit up (projectile vomit in my case) off your  shirt rushing through the grocery store? 

It goes so fast.  

You'll blink and he will be grown.

It won't be like this for long.

These were the sayings I would just sweetly smile at and then brush off.  The sleepless nights, sicknesses,  and learning to balance being a working mama while protecting a little human's life were more than I could handle at that time.  I didn't even have the capacity to understand that those moments truly were fleeting.  That one day, almost 18 years from that point, I would be looking back and wondering...

How did it go so fast?

I blinked and he grew up.

I miss that stage...and that stage...and that stage.

Hence, the reason for this blog series.  I've never done a series before and I am excited that this will be the first.  I want Garrison to be able to see the last 18 years from his mama's perspective.

Garrison Robert...this is for you.

Surprises

It was January, 2005.  Dad and I had been married almost 2 years.  He was in the Navy and we were stationed in Virginia Beach, VA at the time.  We were not planning on starting a family just yet.  Neither of us wanted to raise kids too far from their grandparents.  But God had other plans that, as usual, were SO much better than ours.  I had been feeling a little off but the idea I could be pregnant didn't even hit me until I came home from work one day.  Boogie, our oldest pup, who always pounced up on my stomach to greet me, jumped up and just stayed "standing" in the air.  He rested his paws ever so lightly on my stomach and then calmly sat down and looked at me.  And I looked at him.  And we just stared at each other for a few minutes.  (Side note - are dogs not the most amazing creatures?!  When you get older and have a place of your own, get a dog.  You won't regret it.)  The next day I picked up a pregnancy test on my way home from work.  I woke up the next morning and took the test.  Surely my eyes were still blurry from sleep because I saw the faintest pink line.  That couldn't be right.  I just needed to get to the doctor to be sure.  I was waiting for the nurse to come back in and tell me the test was negative when she busted in the room and yelled, "Congratulations, Mommy!"  Ummmmm...huh?!  I was in complete and total shock.  I remember walking to my car feeling like I was having an out of body experience.  I couldn't tell Dad this over the phone so I decided to drive to the base and tell him in person.  (I called Grammy on the way because I just had to tell someone, so technically she was the first to know.)  Dad was as shocked as I was.  I remember we just stood there leaning over the railing looking at the ocean in silence.

As shocked as we were at first, it didn't take us long to be so incredibly excited about you.  The love we felt for you was instantaneous.  I knew you were a boy from the very beginning.  Let's be real - can you picture me as a girl mom?  Okay, back to the story.  We knew we had some things to work out.  We didn't think Dad would even be in town for the birth because he was scheduled to be out to sea on deployment.  Also, I had an unsettling first appointment at the base.  Picture the corpsman doing routine blood work.  He hits a vein and blood starts spurting out of my arm like a horror movie.  He literally crouched down in the corner and I was calming HIM down.  Yeah, not okay.  With the odds stacked against us, we decided it would be best if I moved back to Texas to have you.  So, at 5 months pregnant, my unconditionally supportive parents made the drive to Virginia to pack up the cars (along with the pups) and head "home" to Texas.  They had just downsized their house by the way.  Go figure.

Fast forward a few months - one month shy of my due date...the doctor told me I had pre-eclampsia and he had to induce me asap.  I pleaded for just a little more time so Dad could try to be there.  He ended up not having to go on as long of a deployment so the timing actually worked out.  He flew to Texas for the weekend to see you, his first baby boy, being born.  The funniest memory I have was in the delivery room when I wasn't dilating like I should and the doctor said, "It looks like we are going to have to prep for a c-section."  Dad's response?  "I don't think I can do that."  To which the doctor wittily replied, "Well, YOU don't have to do that.  She does."  I truly thought Dad would faint right then and there.  Thankfully things progressed quickly and no c-section was needed.  

We were surrounded by so much family that weekend it was incredible!  KiKi and Chris (my sister and her husband of one month) even drove from Houston during a HURRICANE to meet you - their first nephew.  So much love!  My most vivid memory of that whole weekend was Dad's goodbye to you.  Talk.about.hard.  He only had the weekend off and had to fly back that Sunday.  I have never seen your father cry like he cried that day.  And I haven't seen him cry like that since.  We prayed together.  And then Dad held held you (wrapped up like a baby burrito) in his arms.  He rocked you and soaked your face with tears.  It was hard.  It was sweet.  It was  beautiful.  Kind of like the next 18 years would be.

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations." -Jeremiah 1:5

20 Years ~ 20 Things I've Learned

Today my husband and I have been married 20 years!  It still sounds insane to say that.  How am I even old enough to be celebrating a 20th anniversary?!  Well, clearly I am.  We are so blessed to be in Belize celebrating this milestone!  My husband is sleeping in and I was sitting on the sun porch of our beautiful room listening to the wind and reflecting on the last 20 years when I felt the urge to create a post on this special day.

We have lived in 3 states, 5 cities, raised 2 boys and 4 pups.  We have SO many good memories to look back on.  We also have a lot of hard times to reflect on.  I do not claim to have all the answers on a successful marriage.  I do not claim to have more wisdom than someone who is in their first decade of marriage.  I just know that I have learned some things along the way and would love to share those.  I am someone who loves to glean any bits of wisdom I can from others who have "been there, done that".

So, here we go...20 things I've learned in 20 years:

1. Be best friends.  You will have to live with this person without the distraction of kids, sports and busy schedules one day.  You should probably like that person.  Have fun together!  LAUGH, be goofy, poke fun at each other.
2. COMMUNICATE.  This keeps you connected.  Give yourselves at least 10 minutes of uninterrupted time a day to catch up and connect.  Even if that means connecting about the kids and work.  You don't have to have deep, philosophical conversations to connect.  If you are in a busy, chaotic stage of life talk about your days - your highs and lows of the day.
3. Have regular date nights.  Even better, take trips together ALONE if you can.  In the beginning of our marriage when we didn't have a lot of extra money we did little weekend trips.  It has truly helped our marriage to have that time with just us.  Girls trips, family trips and trips with other couples are great but (back to #1) if you don't enjoy time with just your spouse that will make for some pretty miserable empty nester/retirement years.
4. Be honest with each other.  Don't ask your husband if something looks good on you and then get all pouty when he says it doesn't.  Seriously, just don't.  
5. Never stop growing.  I remember my grandmama saying she was still spiritually growing in her 80's.  We are never done growing - as Christian followers, spouses, parents.  There is always something to work on and something to learn.
6. Be on the same page with your parenting - or at least try your hardest.  I'm not saying don't ever fight in front of your kids (I actually think that is bad advice).  I'm saying talk about plans and consequences for your kids with your spouse before talking to your kids.  It will make for a much more peaceful home.
7. Compromise.  You are NOT going to always agree with each other.  You are not always going to have the same views on finances, parenting, etc.  You have to compromise.  
8. Take risks.  About 7 years ago we decided we were so sick of living in the Dallas area.  We absolutely hated the traffic and crowds.  So, we up and moved to the hill country - just like that.  And we haven't regretted that decision one day in the last almost 7 years.  My husband has been wanting to start his own business for as long as I can remember.  He finally took the leap and did it.  It has been one of the best decisions we have made for our family.
9. Encourage each other.  Referring back to #8, I have been urging my husband to start his own business for several years because I knew he would be successful.  When I have hard days and feel like I am failing everyone he reminds me that I am a great mom and wife.   
10. Fight!  It's okay to disagree.  Sometimes you need to just fight it out.  Get it all out there and then work through the mess that's out there.  Holding in your resentment and anger creates a ticking time bomb.  
11. Be you.  Ladies, if you hate cooking don't try to be The Pioneer Woman when you get married.  You're setting yourself up for failure and misery.  I'm not saying don't cook for your family but don't try to be someone you aren't.  I hate sports (unless they are live or my kids are playing them.)  I will watch the last 5 minutes of a great game but I'm not buying a Luka jersey and sitting on the couch pretending like I know what the hell is going on.  Guys, don't go shopping with your wife and pretend you like it if you don't.  I mean, c'mon.  I see y'all out there carrying her bags with a look of complete misery on your face.  Why?!
12. Lean on each other but be independent.  This was a hard one for me to learn but thankfully I learned pretty early since my husband was in the Navy for the first four years of marriage and he was out to sea quite a bit.  It's good to rely on each other but don't completely depend on your spouse for everything.  If they are having a crazy week at work pick up the slack at home.  If my husband can't get to something he would normally take care of I may have to step out of my comfort zone to get something done.
13. Let it go!  If you choose to forgive your spouse for something they did or said in the past you have to let it go.  Bringing up past hurts is toxic.  Fight but fight fair!
14. Mom, Dad, In-Laws, skip this one.  Sex is important.  It's so important.  And if you have been married for 10 years already and still don't enjoy sex, do something different.  Don't look at sex as a chore or something to check off the list.
15. Be patient.  Everyone grows at different rates.  If you decide to change your life and go on a health kick, great!  But don't expect your spouse to join in with you.  If you start growing spiritually don't expect your spouse to be right there at the same level.  Give them some time.
16. Respect your spouse.  Don't put yourself in situations you wouldn't want your spouse in.  If you wouldn't want him going to happy hour alone with a female co-worker then you don't go alone with a male co-worker.
17. Talk about your future.  Future plans can constantly change but knowing what your spouse wants for the future is important.
18. Compliment each other.  Not just, "You look nice" on a date night but really compliment each other.  And talk positively about your spouse to others.  Ladies, there is nothing worse than husband bashing on a girls night out.  Venting frustration and seeking advice from a trusted friend (or better yet, taking it to Jesus) is so much more effective than talking bad about your spouse to a group of friends.
19. I'm saving the most important ones for last.  Give it to God!  I mean it.  Give your entire marriage to God.  Surrender it ALL to him.  I promise you will not regret it.  (Go back and check out some of my past posts on marriage for my experience with this.)
20. PRAY for your spouse (and your kids) daily.  If I'm being honest, I just started doing this several months ago but it has truly been life changing.

Cheers to 20 more!!!

They are His

Three years since my last post.  For a while, I felt like I just didn't have the time to write. And then I felt like nobody would really want to hear my "random thoughts". But I have realized recently that I don't necessarily write for others. It is somewhat of a public diary - something I hope will be out there for years to come, possibly something my boys and grandkids can read one day. I see them looking back and saying one of three things (1) I'm so glad my mom recorded these things (2) My mom actually was kind of funny (3) My mom sure did love Jesus. If I'm being honest I'd prefer they reflect on that third thought more than the others. I will share updates in upcoming posts and I definitely plan to write more frequently. 

This Christmas, more than all the others, I have been reflecting back on December of 2013. This was the time Ethan was hospitalized for pneumonia with plural effusions. I will not go into all the details of his sickness, complications and hospitalizations in this post. You can read all about that time right here. I do have some thoughts that I am not sure I ever shared during that time of our life that I feel so compelled to share now, 9 years later. 

For the first time in my life I was angry with God. Really, really angry. Why would God give us the gift us this child, this precious boy who shared a birthday with Jesus, the boy who came to our family in such a miraculous way...only to potentially take him away? We had followed God's will. we were obedient. We trusted Him all through Ethan's adoption process. I worked full time during the day, went home to be with my husband and oldest in the evening and went to cudddle skin to skin with this boy (falling asleep multiple times only to be waken up by NICU nurses) before I even knew he would permanently be ours. Garrett spent weekends at the hospital with Ethan bonding with him. We did this for 6 weeks. We brought him home - nurtured him, cared for him, gave him everything he needed and more. 

Why would God do this to us? I remember having all these thoughts one night in the hospital after Garrett and Garrison had left and I was alone in the room with Ethan. It was late. I was exhausted. Beyond exhausted. I was so tired of seeing my little frail boy growing weaker by the day. And I did something completely opposite of my feelings and emotions. I cried out to God in worship. I sang praise songs in that hospital room. I didn't care who heard. I didn't care if they thought I was crazy. I was crying out to Jesus. All the desperation, pain and despair turned into praise for Him and who I knew He really was. I knew he didn't mean harm to us or Ethan. I knew he didn't want us to suffer. I just did was I was created to do - I praised him through it. It hit me in that moment. Ethan was not ours. Yes, we legally adopted him. Yes, we cared for him. Yes, we loved him and gave him a home and so much more. But he didn't belong to us. (And neither did Garrison.) He was God's. God entrusted us with Ethan, just like he entrusted us with Garrison. God gave him to us and he had every right to take him from us in His time. And I had to trust that no matter what the outcome was Jesus had a plan. Selfishly, I am grateful God chose to use that circumstance to strengthen my faith beyond measure and let Ethan stay with us here on earth. 

I am forever changed by this experience. It drew me closer to Jesus than I had ever been in my life. We have a powerful enemy that we need to be aware of. And he comes to steal, kill and destroy. But God....He wants us to have life to the fullest (John 10:10). 

I share all this so that you may have faith, hope and trust - especially this Christmas season - in the One who created you. Life can be hard.  Really hard. But Jesus knows the plans He has for you - plans for hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). 

I pray that no matter where you find yourself this Christmas you feel the love and presence of our Saviour. After all, He is all you will ever need (John 14:8).

Invite Him In

So, it's been two years since my last post.  Wow!  Blogging used to be so therapeutic for me.  While I think the hills and quiet country life replaced that therapy I certainly miss blogging.  Rough as it may be, here it goes...

Marriage is hard.

Parenting is hard.

Being a good daughter, sister and friend can be hard.

Well, that about sums it up....jokes!

Rewind about 10 plus years.  My marriage was rough.  Really rough.  There was no infidelity or mistrust.  (My husband has always had the "gift" of honesty, albeit too much honesty sometimes.)  It was just plain rough.  And I tried everything.  I mean, I'm a pretty smart girl.  I was a Navy wife and made it through plenty of deployments.  Even at 19 I was independent and resourceful.  I did not have a college degree but I had worked hard to make good money to help support my family.  I didn't need help from anyone...or so I thought.

• I tried to be the perfect wife.  
• I tried to stand my ground and be stubborn and independent.
• I tried to involve my husband in every aspect of the kids' lives.
• When he became addicted to video games I tried to let him do "his thing" and the kids and I did "our thing".  I don't know why.  Maybe to show him what he was missing out on?
• In the end, it all failed.  

I can honestly say it was not until I 100% gave my marriage to God, surrendered it ALL to Jesus that night on my knees in my bedroom closet, that things starting turning around. 


Rewind about 5 years.  God gave us a beautiful, precious miracle through adoption.  His name was Ethan.  He.was.special!  He was loving, joyful and affectionate.  He was also stubborn, feisty and the most strong willed little man I had EVER met.  Prior to Ethan, my husband and I thought we had this parenting thing down.  I mean, we were seriously experts!  We would look at other parents and wonder why in the world they didn't just get control over their kids.  Give them a spanking!  Give them a talking to!  What in the world was wrong with these people?!  (Bahahahaha, joke's on us!)

• I tried being consistent.  Boy, did I try.
• I tried being understanding and compassionate.
• I tried disciplining even more regularly than I did before.
• I read so many parenting books.

Again, it wasn't until I asked God for wisdom that I learned how to truly reach Ethan.  I can't even say He gave me one specific parenting method.  He just gave me patience and wisdom on a daily basis so I could be a better mama to my baby.

Here's the thing y'all...we were not created to do it all on our own.  God did not put us on this earth to see what a perfect wife we could be or to test our supermom strength.  You know how they say it takes a village?  Well, it certainly does.  And I have learned that the head of my village has to be Jesus.  Invite Him into every relationship in your life. 

Inviting God into your relationships 

takes the pressure off of you.  

He WANTS us to NEED Him!  

That is the key though.  You have to invite Him in.  He is not a forceful God.  And inviting Him in does NOT make you weak.  It makes you strong.  It makes your relationships strong.  It changes your life.  Trust me on this!   

"Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary.  They will walk and not be faint."  ~Isaiah 40:31

To read more about my writings on marriage, mommyhood, adoption (or even if you just need a laugh) click one of the labels on the right hand side of my blog page.  Two years is a long time and I have so much to update you all on so I will do that in time.  And my pictures are all so old but I don't have the heart (or energy if I'm being totally honest) to change them yet.  Just getting back into the swing of things. 

Until next time...

~Jewels*

A Strong Woman

After reading about the Women's Marches around the country last week I was so tempted to write a post with my feelings and response to this march.  However, as I sat down to pull my thoughts together I found myself going an entirely different direction.  Instead of slamming other women I choose to encourage them.  I hope my story will help you reflect on your own.  And I hope you will realize the strength you so desperately crave is right there waiting for you.

My name is Juliana and I have been married to my high school sweetheart for almost 14 years.  I have two incredible boys, ages 11 and 5.  I was blessed to be able to experience motherhood through childbirth and adoption.  Life has not been full of sunshine and roses.  My faith has allowed me to grow, mostly during the worst of times.

This is my journey of becoming a strong woman.

When my husband was in the Navy and had to go away on repeated deployments I felt incredible loneliness.  
God used my loneliness to build a sense of confidence in myself and my abilities.  He showed me that I am strong with Him.  These years also built the foundation for our marriage.

We had a beautiful son.  A few years later I learned my husband did not want any more children.  I was heartbroken, devastated, questioning God's plan for my family.
A few years later another strong woman became pregnant.  Instead of aborting this baby she chose life for him.  Through a series of incredible events God orchestrated a beautiful adoption story.  (Read it here.)

We had several extremely difficult years in our marriage.  The time came where I had one foot out the door and no plan or hope for a saved marriage.  I literally cried in my bedroom closet asking God why.  God pointed me directly to scripture showing me that my husband and I were one and He gently commanded that I stay.  I surrendered my marriage (all of it) to Jesus that night - the hurt, anger, confusion, bitterness, loneliness - all of it.
God gave me the peace and comfort I so desperately longed for.  I learned that my fulfillment comes from Jesus alone.  I learned that when I surrender everything to God He makes me whole.  And over the next year God completely restored my marriage.  He brought more joy and life to my marriage than I could have ever dreamed of.  He transformed my husband and me, individually and together.
During and after these years God used my pain for His glory.  He put women in my life and allowed me to walk alongside two of them during divorce due to infidelity.  And He allowed me to see beauty come from ashes.  Both of them found incredible, Godly men a few years later.  God also allowed me to walk another friend through a very difficult time in her marriage.  She too had one foot out the door but God asked me to keep speaking truth into her life.  She always tells me I saved her marriage.  The truth is God used me as a tool to save her marriage and for that I am grateful.

My youngest son was hospitalized twice with double pneumonia.  He was almost 2 at the time and losing weight rapidly.  The antibiotics were not helping and they attempted surgery but it was unsuccessful.   I was terrified and honestly, angry.  Why would God give me this beautiful gift only to possibly take him away?
I found myself on my knees night after night in the hospital room praying over my son and singing praise songs.  These nights were some of the darkest and scariest nights of my life but also the most beautiful.  Through this time I learned that my boys are not my own.  They are God's.  And he has given me the privilege to love them and raise them to know Him.  This experience made me a completely different mom.

So...what is a strong woman?

A strong woman finds her fulfillment in Jesus.
She trusts God's plan for her family.
She is obedient to His commands, even when she thinks her way is better.
She knows that every precious gift is from Him and she treasures those gifts.
She supports her husband and his dreams.
She allows her husband to help even if he doesn't do it her way.
She asks God to bring the dreams in her heart to fruition.
She stays up all night with babies and soothes them back to sleep.
She keeps her cool while her toddler is throwing an all out tantrum in the store.
She disciplines her children and gives them the boundaries they need.
She does the all too often unappreciated tasks like laundry, cooking and cleaning.
She drives her children to what seem like endless school events and sports practices.
She is the glue that holds it together when life gets crazy.

Your story may be different.  Maybe you are single, unable to have children or have chosen not to have children.  You may be striving for a certain career or are passionate about missionary work.  You may have a heart for kids (fostering/adoption) or animals.  Whatever your story is, do not let anyone tell you that you are not strong enough or that this world owes you something.
In HIM we find an endless supply of strength. (Isaiah 40:29)
In HIM we find an endless supply of hope. (Psalm 147:11)
In HIM we find an endless supply of love. (1 John 4:7-8)
 
"Love is not about what I can get from this world.  Love is about what I can give to this world." ~Lysa TerKeurst


~Jewels*